waiting for restoration

Below is an entry that I wrote waaaaay back in November of 2011. I have been too chicken to actually hit the "publish" button on a number of entries, so I was going through the drafts and deleting or publishing entries. This one is important to me because it is about my trials and Gos has since given me answers to some of what I was talking about in the write-up. I look back at this and see just how far life has come for my family in such a short time! I still have some residual issues as well as some new problems, but I have faith that God has ordered our steps and, therefore, will take care of us through whatever comes against us.

Can't say, "enjoy," because it's kinda heavy, but here goes...



Lately, I find myself grieving for things that I wish I had (NOT earthly treasure), that I wish were different, that I feel like I have almost been CHEATED out of by life.

Yes. This IS a pity party of sorts. >>frown<<

No. This is NOT a pity party for the sake of feeling sorry for myself. (At least, I don't THINK it is.) Rather, it is about a prevailing sadness when I look back at my life (even back to the recent past).

Let me attempt to explain. I have a wonderful life. A wonderful family. BUT, there are areas in life (which include the aforementioned things/people) that I feel as though "the locusts have eaten." And eaten. And eaten. About seven years ago, I went through something that both reinforced my faith in God and shook my life to it's soul. God had wonderfully, as is His way, prepared me for what was coming. (Sorry it's too personal to post details.) I was spiritually prepared to weather the storm but not humanly prepared. I am STILL working on my human-side recovery. God gave me a promise through bringing a scripture back to me in my hour (one of many!) of despair.

Joel 2:25 (KJV) And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.

And I have held to that promise. But, I am ashamed to say that there are times when I give in to the sadness that lingers in my mind, reminding me of ALL the things I have lost/never had. It is a selfish, envious sadness that I MUST pull myself away from lest I indulge in self-pity and become bitter and resentful. I am working on this DAILY. And reminding myself of God's promise to restore what was taken from me - even the substance that was not allowed to even GROW much less produce fruit. (Because locust and other pests destroy, not only the EXISTING crops (substance) but also FUTURE fruit of those crops (substance), making my loss greater than even I know.

But, I cannot dwell on what-could-have-been. I have to move beyond the way I WISH things could have been/could be, and instead work on how they are NOW. (Again, that's a bit of a struggle as well, but I am trusting God to work in the areas only HE can change and I am TRYING to work on the areas I can impact - with Him. Always WITH HIM.)

Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV)   For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

THAT is all I can hope for, because "thoughts of peace" toward ME from GOD?! Well, THAT means EVERYTHING. Why should I wallow in self-pity when the Creator of all is thinking good thoughts for me!!