waiting for restoration

Below is an entry that I wrote waaaaay back in November of 2011. I have been too chicken to actually hit the "publish" button on a number of entries, so I was going through the drafts and deleting or publishing entries. This one is important to me because it is about my trials and Gos has since given me answers to some of what I was talking about in the write-up. I look back at this and see just how far life has come for my family in such a short time! I still have some residual issues as well as some new problems, but I have faith that God has ordered our steps and, therefore, will take care of us through whatever comes against us.

Can't say, "enjoy," because it's kinda heavy, but here goes...



Lately, I find myself grieving for things that I wish I had (NOT earthly treasure), that I wish were different, that I feel like I have almost been CHEATED out of by life.

Yes. This IS a pity party of sorts. >>frown<<

No. This is NOT a pity party for the sake of feeling sorry for myself. (At least, I don't THINK it is.) Rather, it is about a prevailing sadness when I look back at my life (even back to the recent past).

Let me attempt to explain. I have a wonderful life. A wonderful family. BUT, there are areas in life (which include the aforementioned things/people) that I feel as though "the locusts have eaten." And eaten. And eaten. About seven years ago, I went through something that both reinforced my faith in God and shook my life to it's soul. God had wonderfully, as is His way, prepared me for what was coming. (Sorry it's too personal to post details.) I was spiritually prepared to weather the storm but not humanly prepared. I am STILL working on my human-side recovery. God gave me a promise through bringing a scripture back to me in my hour (one of many!) of despair.

Joel 2:25 (KJV) And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.

And I have held to that promise. But, I am ashamed to say that there are times when I give in to the sadness that lingers in my mind, reminding me of ALL the things I have lost/never had. It is a selfish, envious sadness that I MUST pull myself away from lest I indulge in self-pity and become bitter and resentful. I am working on this DAILY. And reminding myself of God's promise to restore what was taken from me - even the substance that was not allowed to even GROW much less produce fruit. (Because locust and other pests destroy, not only the EXISTING crops (substance) but also FUTURE fruit of those crops (substance), making my loss greater than even I know.

But, I cannot dwell on what-could-have-been. I have to move beyond the way I WISH things could have been/could be, and instead work on how they are NOW. (Again, that's a bit of a struggle as well, but I am trusting God to work in the areas only HE can change and I am TRYING to work on the areas I can impact - with Him. Always WITH HIM.)

Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV)   For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

THAT is all I can hope for, because "thoughts of peace" toward ME from GOD?! Well, THAT means EVERYTHING. Why should I wallow in self-pity when the Creator of all is thinking good thoughts for me!!

Music

I LOVE music. Can't sing. Can't play an instrument. But, LOVE voices, instruments, the combination of both together to produce something beautiful. It amazes and awes me to hear someone play an instrument or sing without effort. I have family members. Young family members. Who can pick up an instrument and play it with no formal training. Amazing.
There are members of my husband's family who I could listen to sing all day and night. If I could convince them to indulge me for that long, of course. I LOVE MUSIC.
I have always considered the ability to play/sing a God-given talent, so could never understand why people who do not use their talents for furthering His kingdom are allowed to retain possession of such talent. It didn't seem fair, especially since I would love to be able to sing but can't carry a tune if you give it to me in a bucket. Then, I began to realize that satan was the original music manager. He was the one who controlled music, so it makes sense that he knows he can use it for his agenda. This in NO WAY discounts all of the talented singers, songwriters, and musicians who DO use their talents for the Lord! God gives the talent and satan slimes his way in to use it for himself if allowed.
I have told my Better Half that he should really sing in public - that he was being selfish to waste his talent by NOT believing he could sing. Well, wifey is prejudiced, of course. "I can't sing. I wouldn't embarrass myself by trying it in public." Famous last words! He recently went to work in Africa, where there is NOTHING to do after work and on off weekends while stuck in a man camp. Except sing/play music, that is. Some of the fellows he works with heard him singing along with whomever was singing karaoke at the time. And convinced him to try his hand at it. Well... he is now in demand for singing when the band practices or on karaoke nights. I think it's hilarious!! (AND, I get to say "I told you so!" which is ALWAYS fun.) I keep hoping someone will record a session with him singing and put it on Youtube or at least on Facebook.
One of his buddies is the brother of a famous rock musician and he repeatedly tells my Better Half, "I know music. I've been around singers all of my life and YOU can sing!" Hopefully, my honey will NOT stop singing once he leaves Africa. I love that he can sing and REALLY want him to pass it on to our daughters (who LOVE music as much as my honey and I do, but currently only sing at home just messing around). BH played the saxophone in high school and a little beyond, but hasn't touched one in years and years. Such a waste! I would LOVE to hear him play. (Never have because he stopped playing long before we met.)
Maybe I ought to get us a karaoke machine? Or a microphone, at least. We have an amp already. Hmmmm....

Knowing
-------------------------------------
Wondering
Uncertainly
Wishing for clear answers
Knowing none are easy

Delving
Desperately
Seeking for any solutions
Knowing all will be revealed

Praying
Simply
Living day-to-day
Knowing all will work together

Loving
Genuinely
Working on becoming perfect
Knowing it will take a lifetime